Jesus vs. the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Repent, repent I tell you!

One of the comments in my post “Religious Propaganda in the Tube?” posted by someone quite arrogantly nicknamed “Onewhoknows“, was interesting enough (in a very weird and unspecified way though) to be promoted here alongside my reply. So let’s have some fun!

My reply vividly illustrates my split personality: my skeptical and rational self, versus my religious self (I am a Pastafarian after all). Which one will prevail?


One day you will give an account to Him who created you. I feel sorry for you that you do not believe in Jesus.

Oh, Bob (I can call you Bob, right? I find it difficult calling you “Onewhoknows”) I feel particularly sorry for you that would believe anything on insufficient evidence… And I have a very nice bridge I want to sell you if you are interested.

[There is only one god, and this is the Flying Spaghetti Monster. All hail His mighty noodliness!]


When your Soul is eternally separated from Him, you will wish you had listened.

I assume you mean when I die? In which case I won’t bother too much about what happens afterwards. As Mark Twain once said: “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

[When your soul is separated from it, you will wish you had eaten more noodles]


God is Real, Heaven is real.It is reserved for those who have accepted the free gift of salavation [sic].

How do you know this? (No, a two thousand year old collection of fairy tales does not count as evidence!)

[The Flying Spaghetti Monster is real; Pastafarian heaven is real. It has beer volcanoes and a stripper factory. It is reserved for those that have eaten lots of Italian pasta in their lives]


satan is real & hell is real! it is reserved for satan and his followers to torment people like you for eternity.

See previous answer. (Seems like this Satan guy is having some serious fun down there!)

[Antipasto is real; Pastafarian hell is real. Sinners will have to drink French beer and eat rice for eternity]


I pray you will not go there because there you will have no light, love , peace, or any relief from pain and you will be tormented forever! You will want to die but you can’t and you won’t.

Pray all you want. It will not make any difference and you will have just wasted your time (which I assume you do so quite often anyway).

[I pray you will not go there because you will have no Italian pasta, no ravioli, no noodles. You will crave and pray for some green pesto sauce but you will not have it]


Look at the World, see the signs.

Guess what? I did! And since I saw no signs of any particular God anywhere, I concluded that there is absolutely no need to believe in one just because other people do!

[Look at the World, see the noodles]


Pray that God open your heart ,eyes & ears. What have you got to lose?

If God exists and has created us, then apart from heart, eyes, and ears, he also gave us a brain, and he would like us to actually use it. If one uses his brain then he doesn’t accept anything out of blind belief. And if God is omniscient then he obviously knows it. If he sends me to hell because I used the brain he gave me then he is not an all loving God: he is just a sadistic prankster having fun with his little stupid inventions.

[Pray that his Noodly Appendage protects you from macaroni and cheese]


If you are not a coward you will ask him to reveal himself to you. What have you got to lose but perhaps your own soul?

Bob, which particular God should I ask for?

[If you are not a pussy cat you will ask him to teach you how to cook al dente]


I dare you to ask him and mean it with all your heart! He WILL show you He is real!
If he is not than what has you lost?

What will I lose? Let me think. If he doesn’t reveal himself to me I will have lost: my valuable time; my self-respect; percentage of my thinking neurons simply for even considering this.

If he *does* reveal himself to me I will have lost and will start losing: my sanity (obviously); more time by attending church; lots of money; the respect of other rational people; large parts of my critical thinking neurons; ability to see and accept reality; ability to judge people on a fair basis;ability to protect my children from irrationality; …

Taking all these into account I have decided that I will not ask any God anything, any time soon…

[I dare you to ask him and mean it with all your heart! He WILL show you how to properly mix the tomato sauce and prepare the pasta]


I am challenging you, so go ahead..if you are not to scared to find out the truth.

I have a much better way of approaching the truth. It is called science. Have you ever heard of it Bob?

[Have you not been listening at all? I do not need to know the truth: I have Italian pasta for dinner!]